Comic fantasy author.  Mostly.
JAMIE BRINDLE
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Not Fat Or Ugly

17/3/2023

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Picture
Illustration by ShadowSantos.
Mr Twit’s not ugly,
The Trunchabal’s not fat,
Bilbo went off with 13 small-ish folk,
And it’s Mr Mouse now, not Mr Rat.

“Rat” has too many connotations
Didn’t you know? We have to be so careful
The knights all use rubber swords now,
And the dragons are all gender neutral,
We mustn’t have any dark thoughts at all
And please - no one better even mention Hogwarts!

Romeo and Juliet got some good advice,
Didn’t rush in, didn’t over-react,
She had counselling,
He took Prozac,
Took out all that ‘doest’ and ‘thou’ mumbo-jumbo,
Tibalt got a restraining order and an ASBO

Julias Caesar had far too many knives; it’s better this way,
King Lear got an advance care plan and carers four times a day,
Midsummer Nights Dream is now much less problematic,
How can a donkey even give consent? It was just emblematic
Of the kind of out-moded content of which we need to be aware
And Othello?  My word, don’t even go there.

The problem with chopping off the sharp edges is what are the end goals?
Five-minute hate and memory holes.
Twelfth Night doesn’t need a #metoo
The people on the page make mistakes
so that we don’t have to.

Many thanks to ShadowSantos for the excellent illustration, which I commissioned via Fiver.
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Leaked Messages Link Tory Government to Sauron

6/3/2023

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Leaked WhatsApp messages have been shown to include several conversations between Matt Hancock and Sauron, Dark Lord of Evil.


Sauron - who attended Eton - was handed several lucrative contracts during the pandemic.  In a statement released yesterday, Mordor has denied that Test and Trace kits were indeed manufactured in the Dead Marshes, as the leaked messages suggest.


In a separate message, Matt Hancock can be seen begging Sauron for help enforcing lockdown rules:


“Bloody plod not doing their job,” the message reads.  “Country would be in a much better shape if you could lend us a few Nazgûl.  Come on mate, be a pal!”


Government records confirm several ring-wraiths were on the verge of being dispatched, but the suggestion was vetoed by Dominic Wormtongue, ostensibly because “the optics would look wrong”, though it has since emerged that the Nazgûl were due to be housed at Durham.


The WhatsApp messages were leaked by Isabel Oakenshield - Queen Under The Mountain - who says she did it because it was the moral thing to do, and definitely isn’t lying about that.


Boris Johnson was approached for comment, but hissed something incomprehensible before taking to the skies on a winged, serpentine beast.  The winged, serpentine beast - known locally as Jacob Rees-Mogg - also declined to comment.
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